A crisis of confidence? Another disappearing act

Sorry, I disappeared again. After writing out all the summer races I wanted to get to, I basically stopped racing after the ultra. I missed Boar's Head the Wednesday before, and was in the Lake for Latrigg but in no shape to run immediately post Ullswater way (plus had no dog care). I skipped the DCRO dash also due to dog care and partly because a social run was offered instead. I forgot to signup in time to Eddies revenge and then got stuck at work for Widdop. I missed Peak forest to support my sister in her first Ironman (she's been there for my last two marathon attempts and basically ran with me this year to get me through it) then was at work a few Wednesdays before having a full crisis of confidence for Turnslack (and appalling weather). I DNF'd Lowther due to the dog overheating (again no dog care) and had a bad run in the Peak Raid anytime event at Thornhill. I managed to make Black Knight charge but that is hardly a trail race, let alone a fell race, before disappearing in to a work hole for the rest of the school holidays (no kids so covering the gaps of summer) before emerging for Harrock Hill only to realise summer might have passed without me really doing what I had wanted to. I just hadn't prioritised what I loved and frankly, I was scared of what might happen when I did; I was scared of racing. 

I haven't stopped running in this time, and some things are unavoidable: two dashes to the south coast (one funeral, one wedding), my husband going away or working (and not having dog care), me having to be on call or at work. I have slotted in a reasonable amount of running where I can, and have had some great social outings. I lead a new route for Blacksheep up to Pots and Pans in Saddleworth, ran the Outside Hope Valley Round 20 mins quicker than last year (its better anticlockwise), and volunteered at two events for Craggrunner (Darren, I am never forgiving you for the lost kids at Aldermans....). But I have done more treadmill stuff than I ever had, and been fairly unadventurous in my trips out. I barely made Rivington all summer. There has been training, but it hasn't been great and it hasn't been hilly. 

I ran quite well at Black Knight. This event is in Daisy Nook country park over in Aston, and is a weird mix of muddy path and undulating hill. It also seems to have terrible weather as last year it monsooned pretty much the whole way round but this year at least it was only just before the start. Its a mass adult start with the junior event starting just after. Its a charge up a short grassy clearing before it narrows considerably on the old towpath next to the now mostly dry canal. It hard to get going on, though by the end of the race its amazingly stretched out. You do a lap on the canal and main footpath before going around again to head out in to the bulk of the course via a tunnel which is both quite dark and quite muddy. After this, its one of those twisty turny uppy down courses where you never quite know there you are. I think it was basically net up hill until 4.5 miles but in a very undulating way. I confess to walking a bit on one of those steeper slopes but it is arguably very much runnable. The front runner came back the other way distressingly early, and my friend caught me up at about mile 2 and a half, and when I managed to over take again, I made myself push hard right to the end to stay ahead. It was a decent tempo effort for midweek, and if I did that regularly I would be fit. I finished about 5 minutes faster than the year before, which over about 10k is decent effort, but the year before I'd deliberately held steady due to Lakeland 50. The finish back along the flat canal path again had felt incredibly long and I felt my legs lost power from lack of fitness; I can no longer sprint finish. 

There have also been some decent parkruns on a mixture of terrains. Having come 3rd lady at the undulating Chadderton hall (4 laps, each with the same steep ramp in them) pre ultra, I made a return to Watergrove, narrowly missing my PB, then ran Durlston Country Park which is a HILLY parkrun and had to leave Oscar half way due to the heat (slowing my time but still coming 7th lady). At Sutton Manor, I enjoyed the gravel paths to run 4th lady on its undulating loop with the Dream statue at the centre, then at Marple ran a fast course for brilliant cake at Libby's on the grassy course. Trentham Gardens was a different beast all together: there were over 600 people and dog and I did well to run 288:33 given the congestion. Then it was the notorious Clarence for another 3rd lady before the course turns to mud for the winter, and then Hyde which was not a fast course with a nice section in the woods but still a quite disappointing time: I felt I was getting slower. 

So I finally dragged myself to Harrock Hill for the last racing Wednesday of the season. I hadn't done anything fell running wise for months, and though Harrock is trail, it a pleasantly varied course with a few slippery sections. It also has that nice fell ethos of a pub at the start and bizarre prizes (in this case, the veg boxes of legend). Chorlton Runners used to get a big turn out for this series, coming home with boxes of veg in the cars. But worsening Manchester traffic and frankly decreasing numbers of racing sheep mean those days have gone. Living the right side of Manchester, I really should have gotten here sooner; it was pre-pandemic last time I race any of the series. But a handful of us made it and walked or jogged from the pub to the start line. The pub had felt busy but as we lined up, it was definitely quieter than previous years, perhaps also being the August race and so the 30 minute earlier start time. Some drove up the road through the crowd just before the start, and we did the annual 'move back' manourve. 

Then it was off up the track and I gave it some beans, remembering stopping for the bottleneck half way up in previous years (and having started quite far back due to lack of confidence). Problem was, with fewer people and perhaps some hedge trimming, the stop did not happen until we were up at the stile at the top of the hill. I was knackered! But once over the stiles I got going, chasing a lady in a pink Parkbold Panthers tee who was  loving the grassy field section. I got over taken, I over took as we wombled through fields which were abit softer than they might have been, and mud and track. I was slower than I hoped through some of the more sloggy fields but wasn't the only one suffering. I note I was mostly surrounded by people much older than me, which isn't greatly reassuring. Once we crossed the road, and on to the drive of Harrock hall, I had a little push knowing the end was not too far away. However, the fun was only just starting as the footpaths were a lot muddier than normal, and there is a narrow one between two fields that had basically turned in to a mud slide. I had worn speedgoats out of laziness and curses myself for not putting on a more aggressive shoe (in my car boot as it happens) as we skidded and slid down. I managed to catch up a bit though, and then on the woodland section made up a bit more time. But I was completely outsprinted on the road section, especially the tiny uphill kick where people clapped politely as my oversized form puffed up towards the finish. It was definitely not a PB, despite feeling like a lot of effort, but some of that may have been the mud. 

As we walked back to the pub, a glorious red sunset reminded me that it was the last of the summer racing, and for all my promises to myself, I had missed most of the season. And not just the Wednesdays. I end the season feeling unfit, heavy and surprisingly untrue to myself. Next year I must do better. I'm making plans, reflecting on the reality and promising myself to prioritise me a bit more.

But before then I have the small issue of the Lap: 47 miles around Lake Windermere and frankly I am frightened. I am undertrained and not sure I am ready to feel that pain again. I also am not sure my head is in the game. But I'll make the start line (barring disaster) and see what happens